my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
