I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
