I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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