There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you traded sex for a burrito?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
