You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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