We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
