My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
