I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
