I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
