I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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