I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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