I'm jealous of your bromance
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
