Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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