running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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