She is in my trunk
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
