No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
