Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize