Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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