You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
