it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
