I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
