I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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