i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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