How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
