I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
