so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
