mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
