and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she pinky promised me she was 18
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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