Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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