Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
