hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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