Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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