If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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