I haven't been this sober since birth.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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