Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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