I'm jealous of your bromance
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
