"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
