Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
