fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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