lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
