I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
