Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
