Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize