A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
