i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
