i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
