whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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