Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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