When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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