I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
