OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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