Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
