I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize