You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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