if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
