I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
a search helicopter?!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
