I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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