Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
