I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
