while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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