I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
high people should be assigned attendants
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
