I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
