her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
