What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
