just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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