there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
