I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
