I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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