I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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