I want to stick my p in your. b.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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