I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
