If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize