$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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