Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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