and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
